Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
