im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
