Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
