allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
