I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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