After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
