Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
