you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
