I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
