I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
