She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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