there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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