I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
