I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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