just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
