I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
