4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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