The maid of honor just puked.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
