My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
