I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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