I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
