remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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