Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
