But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
