i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
