you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
