There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
