I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There r osticjed everywhere
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
