Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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