I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
