There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
