1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
