i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
