i'm signing you up for texting rehab
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
