you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
