is wine microwaveable?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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