we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
