Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
