Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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