i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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