Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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