My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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