after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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