I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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