i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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