The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
