I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
