God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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