when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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