yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
