Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
