The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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