remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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