My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
