"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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