she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
