And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
