Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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